The Loneliest Heart
Today's topic really hits me hard, it has left some of the most unimaginable and deep scars I have on my heart. It's a topic I am just overcoming and still struggle with today. So, please pray.
"You will never amount to anything". Those are words a child/teenager will never forget. You will never forget the beatings you took or being made to feel like you were Cinderella without the fairy tale ending. When someone makes you feel like you are unloved and unwanted it is one of the loneliest places you can be and it is something that will stick with you for the rest of your life. It can either make you or break you.
I was one of those people that wore the mask throughout most of my life. Looking back I was blessed to have my best friend and her mom and throughout most of my teenage years and as much as I could, I stayed the night and only went home when I had to. Like life was okay, it was the mask I wore too well and nobody ever suspected how unhappy I really was.
It ate at me. I was still kind and thoughtful minded of others, but my closest friends got to witness the anger and bitterness at times. As the hurt piled on, I began to portray myself as a mean and vindictive person (even if that was far from the truth) so they wouldn't see through me and witness all of the pain. I had put up a wall and nobody could break it down.
Throughout the later part of my teenage years, the wall started to soften because God started working on me. Don't get me wrong, the persona I built was still there, but that too started to change when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I got pregnant by a young man whom I met at a young age and became instantly infatuated with. Sadly, and with a broken heart, things just didn't work out. However, I knew if I didn't find a way to love myself, I would never be able to show her the love she deserved. She was my gift from God, even though I was freshly out of high school.
Things started to change, relationships started to improve,(or so I thought) and life for once was actually starting to get a little better. I got engaged and eventually married, despite all the warning signs that he was almost like my first abuser. He got physical a couple of times, but after seeking marriage counseling the physical just turned into verbal and emotional abuse. At some point without realizing it I just conformed to it and I felt like I was dead inside. The whole time I was still going to church and still trying to fix something that was unrepairable.
Slowly throughout the years I started to wake up and question things, but not enough to stop trying. However, 6 years later I was done. I kicked him out, walked away from the church (always saying I believe in God, just not in the church) and we divorced.
I was left with debt, trying to finish up college and 3 beautiful children. I did have help, but I still felt alone, unloved, and unwanted. I began to pull away, close up and sink back into the depression I was in. I was afraid to get close to my children because I felt so guilty and blamed myself for putting them in a situation like that, even if I did stand up and defend them when I knew it was happening. I didn't protect them like a mother was supposed too and I surely didn't want them growing up feeling unloved or unwanted because I loved them very much and still do.
I don't share my story for pity, in fact there was a different subject lined up. For some reason though I felt this needed to be shared.
Throughout my experience I felt like I was dragged through the streets of hell twice over. I did get angry at times, not like when I was a teenager, but for the most part I still loved. My heart didn't turn bitter until after my divorce.
Did I feel unloved? Yes! Did I feel unwanted? Yes! However, we are in control of our lives and we can choose to love or hate and I chose love.
Sometime this year I was told by someone that I should hate her as much as she hated me and she asked why I didn't? My response to her was I know what it is like to be made to feel like you are unwanted or unloved and that nobody should be made to feel unwanted. So I chose to love people, not hate them.
Video Listed:
Beautiful by Mercy Me
Also during this time I have found my self-worth and I have learned to love myself, but the most important thing I am starting to learn is who I am. I still struggle sometimes, but I have been surrounded by great people who love me and most importantly, I know that God never left me, I left Him. He loved me and comforted me all those years and still does to this day. He has taught me I am beautiful.
Don't ever let anyone tear you down and destroy who you are. Don't let them take the love you have in your heart and turn it into hate. More importantly, don't let them steal your joy and your life by making you feel unloved or unwanted. This is your life and you are in control of it, not them! Keep your head up and know that you are not alone and never have been. You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who thought you were worth dying for and you are beautiful!
"You will never amount to anything". Those are words a child/teenager will never forget. You will never forget the beatings you took or being made to feel like you were Cinderella without the fairy tale ending. When someone makes you feel like you are unloved and unwanted it is one of the loneliest places you can be and it is something that will stick with you for the rest of your life. It can either make you or break you.
I was one of those people that wore the mask throughout most of my life. Looking back I was blessed to have my best friend and her mom and throughout most of my teenage years and as much as I could, I stayed the night and only went home when I had to. Like life was okay, it was the mask I wore too well and nobody ever suspected how unhappy I really was.
It ate at me. I was still kind and thoughtful minded of others, but my closest friends got to witness the anger and bitterness at times. As the hurt piled on, I began to portray myself as a mean and vindictive person (even if that was far from the truth) so they wouldn't see through me and witness all of the pain. I had put up a wall and nobody could break it down.
Throughout the later part of my teenage years, the wall started to soften because God started working on me. Don't get me wrong, the persona I built was still there, but that too started to change when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I got pregnant by a young man whom I met at a young age and became instantly infatuated with. Sadly, and with a broken heart, things just didn't work out. However, I knew if I didn't find a way to love myself, I would never be able to show her the love she deserved. She was my gift from God, even though I was freshly out of high school.
Things started to change, relationships started to improve,(or so I thought) and life for once was actually starting to get a little better. I got engaged and eventually married, despite all the warning signs that he was almost like my first abuser. He got physical a couple of times, but after seeking marriage counseling the physical just turned into verbal and emotional abuse. At some point without realizing it I just conformed to it and I felt like I was dead inside. The whole time I was still going to church and still trying to fix something that was unrepairable.
Slowly throughout the years I started to wake up and question things, but not enough to stop trying. However, 6 years later I was done. I kicked him out, walked away from the church (always saying I believe in God, just not in the church) and we divorced.
I was left with debt, trying to finish up college and 3 beautiful children. I did have help, but I still felt alone, unloved, and unwanted. I began to pull away, close up and sink back into the depression I was in. I was afraid to get close to my children because I felt so guilty and blamed myself for putting them in a situation like that, even if I did stand up and defend them when I knew it was happening. I didn't protect them like a mother was supposed too and I surely didn't want them growing up feeling unloved or unwanted because I loved them very much and still do.
I don't share my story for pity, in fact there was a different subject lined up. For some reason though I felt this needed to be shared.
Throughout my experience I felt like I was dragged through the streets of hell twice over. I did get angry at times, not like when I was a teenager, but for the most part I still loved. My heart didn't turn bitter until after my divorce.
Did I feel unloved? Yes! Did I feel unwanted? Yes! However, we are in control of our lives and we can choose to love or hate and I chose love.
Sometime this year I was told by someone that I should hate her as much as she hated me and she asked why I didn't? My response to her was I know what it is like to be made to feel like you are unwanted or unloved and that nobody should be made to feel unwanted. So I chose to love people, not hate them.
Video Listed:
Beautiful by Mercy Me
I have been divorced for almost 4 years now and I no longer speak to my mother. I began to rebuild a friendship with my oldest daughter's father and a flame was rekindled. Our main focus was/is to keep the children safe and protected, but at the same time he made sure nobody would ever hurt me again either. In March 2011, we both decided to get married and I love him more than words can say. Sure, we do have our problems, some big and some small, but everyday I thank God for him.
Also during this time I have found my self-worth and I have learned to love myself, but the most important thing I am starting to learn is who I am. I still struggle sometimes, but I have been surrounded by great people who love me and most importantly, I know that God never left me, I left Him. He loved me and comforted me all those years and still does to this day. He has taught me I am beautiful.
Don't ever let anyone tear you down and destroy who you are. Don't let them take the love you have in your heart and turn it into hate. More importantly, don't let them steal your joy and your life by making you feel unloved or unwanted. This is your life and you are in control of it, not them! Keep your head up and know that you are not alone and never have been. You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who thought you were worth dying for and you are beautiful!
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6
Comments
Post a Comment