No Longer A Slave to Fear
Eleanor Roosevelt once said,"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
The more I think about this short quote, the more I think this statement can be very impacting in one's life. If we stood up against our fears, instead of backing down... However, how many of us are willing to see or even stand against the fear we have allowed to impact us? I know I wasn't....that was until God started dealing with this particular root I had allowed to take control of my life.
This is my journey, a small glimpse of my life that I feel led to share with you this day...and as I sit here and think, my mind is a scary place to be. Well...at least you can't say you were never warned! Now, let's carry on.
On the surface you may see confidence and charm, but most of my life I have dealt with low self-esteem and have felt abandoned and alone. It didn't matter if I was lost in the crowd or not. I could put myself on center stage and even entertain you with deep thought, but loneliness was never to far off. I always knew my surroundings well, but never thought I was good enough or if I could even measure up. How many of you can relate to me this day? I'm sure many of you worn that very mask, or may even still wear it well today.
Last week I woke up at 12:45 a.m., three nights in a row. I finally told God to just deal with whatever He had to because I don't want to wake up anymore, and that's when He started peeling more layers off. A lot of emotions and pain started to flood in and naturally, as a writer, I took out some paper and a pen. The more I wrote, the more the emotions started flooding in...this is part of what I wrote that night...and I'm not sure why, but to whomever feels this way, you're not alone:
It's almost 3 in the morning and for the first time my thoughts weren't the ones keeping me up. Tonight I actually don't know what it was, but what I do know is that all I can feel is hurt, rejection and fear...fear of letting go. Not of anyone, but of the past....
I don't feel led to share the rest, and that's probably for the best because by the time I got through, you'd be reading a book.
At the very moment I wrote that, I remember stopping and asking God in tears when did I allow the root of fear to come in? I remember having my moments of bravery. I'm free spirited, but one who knows her own boundaries. Like everyone else, I love to have fun. Yet, lately the weight of fear was frightening!
My life has been so consumed with fear lately. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of judgement and what others thought. Fear of trusting God, even though I felt He was all I had left. More importantly, I feared of letting go of all my past because I was afraid that once I did, the very people that hurt me, slandered me and abused me would come back and that I would allow them to do to me again. Do what they had done in the past... Not yet realizing how far God had brought me away from that.
Over the past few months, God has been rooting thing's out of my life and on this particular night He was rooting fear out. See, we go through life just bandaging our wounds, but until we deal, honestly and openly with all blinders off, we will never fully heal from the wounds of our heart.
I was at a place of being ready..ready to face what He laid out before me this particular night. So, He woke me up to take me on this particular journey and showed me a night, one of few from my childhood I can recall and needless to say it had been with me all along. I let fear and even abandonment in when I was 3 years old and this spirit of deceit was waiting for the perfect time to come out and torment me.
In 1 John 4:18 it says, that there is no fear in love...that's one lesson I still need to learn. I fear loving certain people or letting anyone get near. I have been building up walls around my heart for years, afraid of letting anyone fully in...keeping people at arm's length was my game. Now God is taking a wrecking ball and crumbling each one down. Leaving me vulnerable for the world to see, but only because He loves me and wants to heal me, so I can be all that He has called me to be. So I can believe and see how much He truly loves me.
This night, He wanted my mask off...and what I failed to forget, even though I've said it over and over again, just because you love and forgive, doesn't mean you have to let those very people back in! God wants us to love everyone and be love. He wants us to forgive and to be the very example of how Christ lived...though we will never be perfect like Him.
I'm not sure about you, but I've grown tired of the things I've let in...they are weighing me down...I'm exhausted from it. I'm tired of wearing these masks I once wore so well. For once in my life, even if its hard for me to comprehend and hard for me to believe, Abba Father sent people to love and to encourage me. The best part is, I have someone who sees the best of me and wants to take me on this unexpected journey and completely set me free. He wants to heal me.
That very night I laid down the mask that covered up my fear. Never to pick it up again. Never to look back, nor will I back down and allow it in again. I will continue to swing the sword, spiritually speaking. Finally I feel free to be me...I have yet to determine if that is a good thing. Some will love me and others will hate, but you know what...that's okay. I still love them anyways.
Today...well always...I know I have a lot to say, but if nothing else listen to this last thing I have to utter. God loves you just as much as He loves me, after all you were wonderfully made. He doesn't just want to heal and uproot the things hindering me. He also wants to set you free.
The enemy doesn't want you to realize the greatness you have within. He wants us to stay under fear and shame. He doesn't want you to share your testimony. He wants us to believe we are unwanted and alone. He wants us to feel like we are unloved and that we will never measure up. Realize though, the only power the enemy has over us is what we hand over freely...instead of saying enough is enough!!!
Take off that mask you've worn so long. It's okay to not be okay because if you don't acknowledge the hurt and the pain, He can't heal to brokenness within. We can't heal the broken until we allow Him heal us. It is time to take a stand and rise up. You are precious and loved in His sight and you also, have a story to share. We must no longer sit quiet! So, again I say, take off the mask you've been wearing and become free from anything hindering you today.
No Longer Slaves by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser:
The more I think about this short quote, the more I think this statement can be very impacting in one's life. If we stood up against our fears, instead of backing down... However, how many of us are willing to see or even stand against the fear we have allowed to impact us? I know I wasn't....that was until God started dealing with this particular root I had allowed to take control of my life.
This is my journey, a small glimpse of my life that I feel led to share with you this day...and as I sit here and think, my mind is a scary place to be. Well...at least you can't say you were never warned! Now, let's carry on.
On the surface you may see confidence and charm, but most of my life I have dealt with low self-esteem and have felt abandoned and alone. It didn't matter if I was lost in the crowd or not. I could put myself on center stage and even entertain you with deep thought, but loneliness was never to far off. I always knew my surroundings well, but never thought I was good enough or if I could even measure up. How many of you can relate to me this day? I'm sure many of you worn that very mask, or may even still wear it well today.
Last week I woke up at 12:45 a.m., three nights in a row. I finally told God to just deal with whatever He had to because I don't want to wake up anymore, and that's when He started peeling more layers off. A lot of emotions and pain started to flood in and naturally, as a writer, I took out some paper and a pen. The more I wrote, the more the emotions started flooding in...this is part of what I wrote that night...and I'm not sure why, but to whomever feels this way, you're not alone:
It's almost 3 in the morning and for the first time my thoughts weren't the ones keeping me up. Tonight I actually don't know what it was, but what I do know is that all I can feel is hurt, rejection and fear...fear of letting go. Not of anyone, but of the past....
I don't feel led to share the rest, and that's probably for the best because by the time I got through, you'd be reading a book.
At the very moment I wrote that, I remember stopping and asking God in tears when did I allow the root of fear to come in? I remember having my moments of bravery. I'm free spirited, but one who knows her own boundaries. Like everyone else, I love to have fun. Yet, lately the weight of fear was frightening!
My life has been so consumed with fear lately. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of judgement and what others thought. Fear of trusting God, even though I felt He was all I had left. More importantly, I feared of letting go of all my past because I was afraid that once I did, the very people that hurt me, slandered me and abused me would come back and that I would allow them to do to me again. Do what they had done in the past... Not yet realizing how far God had brought me away from that.
Over the past few months, God has been rooting thing's out of my life and on this particular night He was rooting fear out. See, we go through life just bandaging our wounds, but until we deal, honestly and openly with all blinders off, we will never fully heal from the wounds of our heart.
I was at a place of being ready..ready to face what He laid out before me this particular night. So, He woke me up to take me on this particular journey and showed me a night, one of few from my childhood I can recall and needless to say it had been with me all along. I let fear and even abandonment in when I was 3 years old and this spirit of deceit was waiting for the perfect time to come out and torment me.
In 1 John 4:18 it says, that there is no fear in love...that's one lesson I still need to learn. I fear loving certain people or letting anyone get near. I have been building up walls around my heart for years, afraid of letting anyone fully in...keeping people at arm's length was my game. Now God is taking a wrecking ball and crumbling each one down. Leaving me vulnerable for the world to see, but only because He loves me and wants to heal me, so I can be all that He has called me to be. So I can believe and see how much He truly loves me.
This night, He wanted my mask off...and what I failed to forget, even though I've said it over and over again, just because you love and forgive, doesn't mean you have to let those very people back in! God wants us to love everyone and be love. He wants us to forgive and to be the very example of how Christ lived...though we will never be perfect like Him.
I'm not sure about you, but I've grown tired of the things I've let in...they are weighing me down...I'm exhausted from it. I'm tired of wearing these masks I once wore so well. For once in my life, even if its hard for me to comprehend and hard for me to believe, Abba Father sent people to love and to encourage me. The best part is, I have someone who sees the best of me and wants to take me on this unexpected journey and completely set me free. He wants to heal me.
That very night I laid down the mask that covered up my fear. Never to pick it up again. Never to look back, nor will I back down and allow it in again. I will continue to swing the sword, spiritually speaking. Finally I feel free to be me...I have yet to determine if that is a good thing. Some will love me and others will hate, but you know what...that's okay. I still love them anyways.
Today...well always...I know I have a lot to say, but if nothing else listen to this last thing I have to utter. God loves you just as much as He loves me, after all you were wonderfully made. He doesn't just want to heal and uproot the things hindering me. He also wants to set you free.
The enemy doesn't want you to realize the greatness you have within. He wants us to stay under fear and shame. He doesn't want you to share your testimony. He wants us to believe we are unwanted and alone. He wants us to feel like we are unloved and that we will never measure up. Realize though, the only power the enemy has over us is what we hand over freely...instead of saying enough is enough!!!
Take off that mask you've worn so long. It's okay to not be okay because if you don't acknowledge the hurt and the pain, He can't heal to brokenness within. We can't heal the broken until we allow Him heal us. It is time to take a stand and rise up. You are precious and loved in His sight and you also, have a story to share. We must no longer sit quiet! So, again I say, take off the mask you've been wearing and become free from anything hindering you today.
No Longer Slaves by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser:
For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
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