The Broken Road

"We are all broken - that's how the light gets in."

Earnest Hemingway

Before I begin, I have to admit that this blog has taken a while for me to write and release because I allowed fear back in.  This is apart of my life I've not shared with many, so I was afraid of judgement and what might be held against me, but I feel like I need to take a leap and share my story and why I believe.  If it only helps one, that's okay with me because at least I was obedient and humbled myself to His leading.

My first blog was written in 2014, and since I came onto the scene of thing's I only shared brief clips of my life.  Sure, it's easy to say, hey, I'm broken, but that's not what my blog is titled.  My blog says Just Me, The Inside Look.  Inside...hmm... that's the place I like to hide.  For years I've kept things bottled in...and in just a few weeks, I'll be 39.  I don't know about you, but I think that's a long time to keep things bottled up inside.

There's apart inside of everyone that's broken, sometimes, we fail to see the light.  Many feel like they are alone.  Nobody gets it, and, in my personal opinion, that's why I believe the suicide rate is so high...

I remember the first time the enemy brought forth that lie in my life.  I was 14 and standing in the kitchen by the sink.  It was dark...and I broke a glass in the sink. As I looked at the glass, only the top half was broken and a triangle shape sticking up from the bottom half.  I just stared at it thinking the world would be a better place without Chastity.  Honestly, I'm not sure what stopped me that night.  Maybe I was afraid to follow through... I honestly don't have a clue.  What I do remember is seeing a light from the corner of my eyes shining bright from the other room and maybe the faded sound of the television playing.

Recently, okay, so maybe it's been  a month or two, whatever...lol  I heard this song on the radio, and instantly it made me cry.  Some of you may already know it, especially if you follow me on Facebook.  It's called Oh, My Soul, by Casting Crowns and I just want to share with you the first verse...and I know by the wording many won't read past this part, but there is a reason behind it, so please don't stop there because I use a different method...its how I feel led...

It's says:

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

It was if my life was speaking to me.  It  was if God was saying, it's  okay to feel broken.. I NEVER would've imagined my life on this road  and I know many  of you feel that way too.  Where you feel like you're deep down in the pit and you keep getting hit!  When you think it will never end, but sometimes, it takes us standing up and saying enough is enough!  So, now that I have your attention...let me draw you to the chorus of that song, it says:

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

You can sit back and say that I don't know your circumstances, and you're right, I don't, but I do know what I came through, the demons I have had to battle, and what I have had to endure and am still enduring.  However, I also know that those same trials have drawn me closer to my Heavenly Father, whom I love and built me to be strong and it has helped me endure.  It brings a whole new meaning to Romans 8:37 where it says we are more than conquerors.

For, many, many years I couldn't get past the heartache and pain.  I couldn't see past the abuse or the present moment...and I honestly believed this world would be better off without me, what a lie!!! So, there are many times where I hit rock bottom.  I've stumbled and I have fallen.  However, the one thing that stands true today, is no matter how hard the punch (metaphorically speaking) I still rise up. I refuse to let darkness win because the light always shines brighter in the dark! It took me years to break those thoughts, but it was only when I leaned on Him that they finally did.


Don't let this world break you down and tear you to shreds, because it will, but only if you let it.  My story isn't over yet and neither is yours! You are beautiful! You are special!  You are unique!  You were beautifully and wonderfully made, but more importantly, you are loved!  We only stay victimized if we choose it and I can't speak for you, but I can speak for myself and say I am not and will not be a victim any longer!!!

On my final note, I know that you are not reading this by chance.  If you are someone who is currently having thoughts of suicide or self harm, please know you are not alone.  Pick up the phone and call someone who you can trust, who can help.  Call the suicide hotline, which the number will be listed below, or maybe even call your local church.  Don't believe the lie that this world would be better off without you.  You truly are not alone in this.

I Am No Victim by Kristen DiMarco:

Oh, My Soul by Casting Crowns:

Suicide hotline:

1(800) 273-TALK (8255)

Suicidepreventionlifeline.org